Orly Taitz, please be quiet. Now.

The Single Mom is a patriot, through and through. She loves America. And Americans. That is why The Single Mom demanded today that The Illegitimate Child** produce her original birth certificate. As an American who loves America, The Single Mom felt it her duty, as an American, to insist T.I.C. show irrefutable proof she is a natural born citizen. Of America.

Sadly, T.I.C. was only able to produce a “Certification of Live Birth,” issued by the State of New York. Like any good American, I am unable to accept this document as “proof.” This COLB is most assuredly not a birth certificate stating T.I.C. was born in New York State, but is simply a form showing that her birth was registered there. Anyone born anywhere in the world can get one of those! She could have been born in a small village in Africa and have one!

This COLB has also been left suspiciously blank in the space noted “Father’s Name.” This unnamed man may be foreign. Possibly even from a different continent. One of those continents Real Americans™ don’t like. Consequently, T.I.C. only has one parent - a parent claiming to be an upstanding Natural-Born American Citizen. A F.O.I.A. request, however, produced documents showing she frequently visited Socialist Canada and that T.I.C. accompanied her on most of those trips. By doing this, the mother clearly revoked their U.S. citizenships and swore an allegiance to Socialist Canada. (Note, there was a travel ban in place during the time of those trips, owing to the hostility between the U.S. and Canada re: the proper pronunciation of “about/aboot,” and the always contentious Labatt v. Budweiser debate. T.I.C. could only have traveled there on a foreign passport.)

When pressed on this issue, T.I.C. produced a second COLB! This is obviously a forgery. Why wasn’t the foreign-born father’s name on the first one? She is hiding something. Moreover, the second COLB looks nothing like the first, and the Certificate number is blacked out. Besides, it’s not the “original” original, it’s just a copy. An easily forged copy. Several anonymous internet commenters agree.

As a last resort, T.I.C. attempted to show as proof her birth announcement from the local paper. Sadly, her middle name of Christine was misspelled as “Christian” in a blatant attempt to hid the fact she is not, in fact, a Christian. I cannot deem this “proof” acceptable.

So, in short, I discovered today that my daughter is in fact a Secret-Canadian-Kenyan-Born-Muslim. I’ve instructed the Joint Chiefs to disregard the plan for withdrawing the troops. Sorry about that. My bad.


**Sweetie, I love you very, very much. Sadly, that love does not outweigh Mommy’s narcissistic need for people to find her amusing. I started a fund to pay for the therapy you will desperately need one day.