Someone’s getting a wife!!

Hipster is already married, so it must be – Me! That’s right, internets, I’m getting a wife! Nope, I’m not getting married. If I ever did decide to take the plunge, that is a LONG way off. Instead, I get a wife without all the fuss, hubbub and hassle of a wedding. My friend, Carye, and I are moving in together, with our daughters. I have spent this weekend packing boxes and organizing the insane amount of books I own (is 87 boxes of books usual? God, I hope not.). We’re both single moms, our daughters are best friends, and we are equally wacky/insane/goofy. Perfect fit. Also, perfect fodder for a TV sitcom. A funnier “Jon & Kate plus 8” if you will – well, if the “8” were 2 little girls, 1 dog, 1 cat and 4 chickens.


When I told members of my extended family, they were happy for us, but still confused: “Why don’t you just find a husband?” was repeated, ad nauseum. I have 3 sisters and 2 step-sisters. Since I am the only unmarried one of the bunch, that’s a phrase I hear CONSTANTLY. Well, first of all, I didn’t realize it was that easy. Is it like finding an awesome pair of sandals at ShoeFly? I have many a single friend, male and female, who would beg to differ. Second, I don’t know that getting married is what I want. I like my life the way it is, thank you very much. Third, I’m not exactly the world’s best girlfriend and have a feeling I wouldn’t be a very good wife. In honor of that (and owing to a conversation I had with a friend today), I have compiled a list entitled “5 Reasons I Suck As A Girlfriend.” Enjoy.


1. I might forget your birthday Or when you’re getting back in town from your business trip (I swear you said Saturday, not Thursday). Or something else that is probably important. It’s nothing personal, and it’s not because I don’t care. I just forget stuff. A lot. Major holidays I’m good with – the rest, not so much. Maybe since I don’t celebrate my own birthday, I forget other people celebrate theirs? I only have so much space on my calendar to write things. Also, I never remember to look at it.


2. I will frequently cancel our plans My life is incredibly busy. My daughter comes first, then my job. I work ridiculous hours sometimes, and I will have to cancel many, if not most, of our plans during the week. On the weekends I become lazy and would probably prefer to sleep.


3. “Where is this relationship headed?” This is not something I think about. Do I have to know ahead of time? Can’t we just figure it out when we get there? Please, please, please don’t ever say these words to me. Death knell. If you have to ask, you’re not going to like the answer.


4. I have horrible taste in music Really. It’s bloody awful. My iTunes includes Wham, Air Supply, Dropkick Murphys, and Poison. I have some good bands on there, but you’re gonna find more Bon Jovi than RHCP.


5. You will be mentioned on this blog And I cannot guarantee what I say will be nice, complimentary or something you want me to share with everyone else. Your vasectomy? Fair game.


So, that’s it in a nutshell. Don’t ever date me. My friend John thought I should include the fact that his nickname for me is “trainwreck,” but I wasn’t sure that merited its own bullet point. If you think it does, go ahead and re-title the list in your minds.